I recently flipped through the diary I kept sporadically from age 8 until I entered sixth grade. It’s the devastating tale of a pure-of-heart elementary school student who hated hand chimes (this is the depressing stepping stone to the glorious handbells of Christmas carol fame) and kept meticulous record of when she brushed her teeth, and how she grew into a nightmarish sixth grader who smiled on the outside but spewed sass in her diary and had dreams of her diary being as famous as Anne Frank’s while also confessing her deep and irrational fear of Anne Frank.

I spent the majority of the entries addressing the diary as one would a parole officer: sharing dutifully every single thing I did and apologizing if I listed them out of order or forgot to write one day, which of course I did, constantly. Every single entry contains an apology of some sort to this inanimate but oppressive diary, and this is totally, exactly how I am: enslaving myself to expectations no one else ever set, feeling terrible about it, and then eventually shaking my fist at the sky in resentment when I realize I can’t meet them. OH, HELP.

The scariest part about reading an old diary is not who you were, but who you STILL ARE. Have mercy. Here is what my diary taught me is (probably) eternally true about me:

Caroline is perpetually stressed, likely without clear reason:

July 30, 1995

Sorry I haven’t written I’ve just been so busy. I got three snow cones this week.

Caroline enjoys alliteration:

Oct. 2, 1995

My walkman works and we got this wonderful tape.

Caroline hates being bossed around:

4-3-95

I had a rough day today but at least I didn’t have handchimes.

Caroline needs Jesus, real bad:

4-11-96

I need to add Thomas to my prayer list. Many people make fun of him including me.

Caroline is a woman of conviction!!:

5-9-96

Today I can’t tell you a lot about my day because I have to tell you about something else. It’s true that Michael likes me. He wanted to ask me out! (That was the secret.) I said yes, but if he’s mean to me or my friends I WILL dump him. Love, Caroline

Caroline dreams big:

11/6/97

I haven't written in a whole year! I’m sorry. It was because I lost the key. Now I’m in 6th grade. I got braces this April. I’m also going to be in the Nutcracker along with Rachel, Tripp, Colin, and Phillip! Wow! I am going to write you every day. Love, Caroline the Great

Caroline immediately feels oppressed by and resents her big dreams. Also she is opinionated about handwriting:

11/18/97

I’ve changed my mind. I will write in this diary any old time I want to. It’s mine so I can do whatever I want. (Next: A page or two in which I explain that a teacher found a note that contained some insults I wrote, and I talk about how sorry I am, then I insult the teacher again, saying “She is so dumb!” and then I say: “Anyway I’ll always be careful on what I write and I hope this diary won’t fall into the wrong hands.” Lesson = not even a little bit learned. Sixth grade Caroline, you are a monster.) I only write my name with an “a” like this and a bubble dot for an “I.” Love, Caroline Powers

Caroline dreams big again:

11/24/97

I have decided something. This won’t be an ordinary diary. It will be a book. I hope that someday this diary will be famous, like Anne Frank’s. (By the way, A.F.’s movie scared me to death and I had horrible nightmares about them which make me turn cold when I think about them.) I will make lists like this:

Things I hate:

Bad dreams
Mixing gold and silver jewelry
Being grounded
Being embarrassed
Smelly feet
Spandex
Spam

Things I love:

Parents
Dog
God
Boys
Friends
Christmas & other holidays
Orange
My name

I left room so I can add to it. Well, I’m going to sleep now (it’s 9:31 and 46 sec.) so goodnight!

Love, Caroline Powers

Caroline is paralyzed by the grandeur of her own dreams:

The rest of the diary is blank. After spelling out my goals in detail, sixth grade me cannot even bring myself to write another page. It is probably better this way.

The scariest part is that this little girl grew up and started a blog AND OH MY GOODNESS WILL I LOOK BACK ON ALL OF THESE IN TWENTY YEARS AND BE HORRIFIED?! Goodbye, I am off to eat three snow cones I AM VERY BUSY PLEASE DO NOT BOTHER ME. Today is a rough day, but at least I do not have hand chimes.